X factor

yellow and pink lighted x decor

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When you are divorced and have had a child (or children), there is always the “X factor” to consider.

It’s sad to say, but as fathers we very typically get the shaft when it comes to co-parenting the children after a divorce. There is honestly no logical reasoning behind this precedent other than the mother is nearly always seen as “the fittest parent” in these situations, regardless of the circumstances. Even when you can demonstrate, with evidence, that as a father you would be a better choice for the child’s custodial parent it is a costly uphill battle that has no guaranteed outcome.

As I was preparing the visitation calendar for 2020 for my teen daughter, it just brought back all the times where I have had to consider the X factor over the last 14 years. We divorced when she was under two so I have had a lot of considering to do, and still have a little while longer to deal with it. It has been a challenge over the years.

How will the X respond to this? What will the X do now? Is there a way to get the X to be reasonable? How crazy is my X, really? I can’t believe the X responded the way she did. Why does the X have to make everything about herself? Why does the X always make this more challenging than it needs to be? How is the X gonna take this? How can I do this so it doesn’t piss the X off? Now what does the X want? 

If you are a divorced father with children, you likely know all too well what I mean. Or, maybe you are even a mother with a crazy X, you know too. Really this post isn’t so much about fathers (though that is my experience) but about the fact that while raising children as divorced parents you are always having to consider the X factor. Everything you do seems to revolve around the other person even though you aren’t with that person every day.

I am thankful that it has gotten a little better since my daughter is now older and can transport herself, but as I was still working on a visitation calendar (which really hasn’t been followed since my daughter is old enough to have a job now) that I still have to consider the X factor when it comes to my daughter. Just a couple more years that I am REQUIRED to consider the X…then it will only have to be during major life events for my daughter. That will be a whole new chapter of X factor to deal with.

Can anyone else relate to this?


  1. The Hinoeuma · December 5, 2019

    As a child of divorce (split when I was 12, divorced when I was 13), I would have liked for my father to have given a shit. He paid his child support (directly into my account) but, paid little attention to me. He never saw me sing in school, never saw me march, never saw me in the pageant, never saw me graduate…

    I broke contact with him three years ago this month. He is a self-centered narcissist and I am done.

    Don’t even get me started on my mother…

    If you love your child, tell them everyday and spend as much time as you possibly can. The effort will be noticed. The lack of effort will be noticed, also…☹


    • backuphill · December 6, 2019

      I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. I wish that experiences like yours never happened to children. Unfortunately, we live in a messed up world.

      I have always tried to do my best, be there as much as possible, and fight for her when I can (and sometimes when I can’t). I know it will make a difference in the end and she has expressed many times over that she wished she had had an actual choice about the situation. I am confident that my efforts have & and will continue to pay off.


      • The Hinoeuma · December 6, 2019

        Yeah. Me, too. It’s been years of healing. My saving grace was my two grandmothers. The good news is, I wasn’t beaten or sexually abused. I would prefer disinterest to that.

        Continue to fight the good fight. You and your daughter will be the better for it. ❤


      • backuphill · December 7, 2019

        There is that, to be thankful for, for sure. Thanks for the encouragement too!

        Liked by 1 person

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