Pooped

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Maybe this falls into the TMI category, maybe it doesn’t. I am sure the male readers in the group can probably attest to something of a similar experience, and if nothing else it might provide for a little comedic reading.

So, I am an early morning pooper.

I really prefer to get to my squatting done before my shower. I mean, that way I can head into the day with a freshly clean keister and don’t have to worry about unintentional stankiness (at least for the first part of the day).

So, typically the day begins after crawling outta bed with a squat on the porcelain throne. The amount of time can vary, but usually the business is done in 15-20 minutes and then I can proceed to the shower.

Today, I spent my usual time on the commode and then proceeded to hop into the shower. Not 10 minutes later, I am getting the painful feeling that I need to cop-a-squat again. Now I am feeling those gaseous pains and squeezing the cheeks together hoping that I am not gonna drop a package in the shower. Thankfully, it subsided briefly and I was able to finish my shower.

After getting outta the shower, no pressing feeling to visit the “thinking throne” is persisting so I am thinking I am gonna be able to start the day as usual. I get dressed and make coffee.

HELLO! I am reminded that the gas has not passed and either I am gonna have to do the penguin waddle to the water closet or find something to lean up against and endure the sharp pain in the middle region again. I wait because no waddle will happen without an accident. After the gurgling stops and the pain is tempered, I quickly head for the pooper.

Wait…the gas pains have returned, literally just before the pants come down and I am left staring at the crapper whilst I grimace through the next wave of internal chaos. WTH! Literally a foot from the squatter and I can’t use it….yet…

I am not sure why decided to turn my bowels into a problematic mess that required multiple visits to the porcelain bowl. Either way, that last trip seemed to do the trick. The main tank has been completely emptied.

I still would have liked to done it the first time and not had to put on pants feeling “unclean.”

There ya go! A little Friday the 13th potty humor/giggle/TMI for you.

Anyone else have similar experiences or habits?

Who did this?

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WHO DID THIS?!?!?

…leaving a square destroyed like this is just not acceptable. It’s unusable at this point!

I may hyperventilate at the wastefulness. This impacts resources. Seriously. This stuff doesn’t grow on trees…and neither does the money needed to buy this it…

Wait.

Wipe that…from the memory banks…

Maybe both do grow on trees.

OK, “toilet paper math dad,” what do you do with this? How does this calculate into your figuring? And does the average person actually need (or use) 20 squares? But I digress.

All right, what do you do with these wasted squares? Do you put them inside the next wipe, do you tear it off and drop it in the toilet so you have a nice neat edge for the next wipe, or do you tear it off and re-purpose it? Any other ideas you can think of?

Over/Under

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If you are betting person, you probably think this is about something you do. It isn’t. I am not really a betting person, but I’ll take the Over on the fact that you likely have an opinion on today’s topic. Almost everyone does, they just might not like to admit it.

It goes a little like this…

You walk into the room. You really aren’t paying but you find a seat and go about your business. As you finish, you notice the toilet paper is wrong. Wrong, as in someone has put the roll in backwards. You try to ignore it but you just can’t. You have to try and switch it so it meets your preference. Over or Under.

I had to deal with this in my own house recently. Someone who doesn’t live here put the new roll of toilet paper into the dispenser the wrong way. I immediately had to fix it. I couldn’t even start the process by sitting down first.

Me? Well, I prefer Over. It is, after all, the only right way to do it.

How about you? Does the Over/Under bother you? Do you have a hard time resisting fixing it, even in someone else’s house?

**PSA: Parents, if you are teaching your children the Under, you are doing it wrong. Please don’t subject the rest of the public to your malfeasance. No one, especially your children, deserves that kind of abuse.

Multiplication

food brown nuts snack

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Today’s topic may be one of TMI. I don’t know, really. I am sure there are others out there that suffer the same horrible fate as me, so I doubt there won’t be at least one person who identifies with my plight.

How is it that you can do one thing and it turns into many things?

Math has never been a strong area for me, but I have a rather good grasp of the basic functions. However, the math on this particular subject just doesn’t add up.

Take for instance my love of and consumption of coffee. I really could drink the stuff all day, but there is one serious problem with that. If I drink three cups of coffee and it turns into 9 (+/-) trips to the bathroom. Now I haven’t done a scientific study of my bladder, but the routine is rather ingrained and the carpet at work is beginning to get worn in my path of travel.

How can this be?? Yes, I realize it is a diuretic, or at least that is what they say. But, if that is really the case and it is dehydrating me, why then do I still carry around so much extra liquid? I should be skinny by now!

The math on this is nearly a complete mystery to me on this, 3 = 9.

I have some friends who drink beer like crazy. I think they might actually be dromedaries because they don’t seem to have to pee all the time. Maybe their bladders are just stretched out from practice. Maybe I need to drink my beer to get in shape for drinking more coffee…I could be on to something here…training, that’s what I need!

Anyway, I need to pee so I guess I’ll stop writing now.


 

Anyone else feel like they have a bladder the size of a walnut? 

Something you ate?

white toilet paper

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Ever have that queasy feeling that you just can’t shake?

Like, it just hangs on but doesn’t really have an effect until later? Yeah, that is me today.

I started feeling it last night before bed. I was hoping maybe sleep would help so I just skipped most of the evening and headed for the pillow. Unfortunately, that just turned into a night of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable. There is something going on in there and it doesn’t feel right. But, I wasn’t so uncomfortable that it caused me to get out of bed.

Well, this morning it came. Maybe it was something I ate yesterday or last night. I normally have a pretty iron clad stomach, but his morning…well, let’s just say everyone wanted out of the pool.

Multiple visits to the throne room already. It’s gonna be a long day at work. Luckily (if, in this situation, that’s possible), it happens to be just one end – the bottom end – and not both.

There. I said it without saying it. Enough to get the picture but not too much.

Have an uncomfortable Wednesday, people.

A little uneasy

brown and white bear plush toy

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I didn’t sleep well last night.

You know that feeling like something just doesn’t feel right in your stomach? Yeah, I had that. All night I felt like something was going to happen at one end of the body (TMI?). I would fall asleep and then wake up a short time later, always on the verge of something but nothing really happening.

Except lack of sleep. It was a rough night for getting good sleep.

I woke up this morning with less of the uneasy feeling but it is lingering. Still seems to be a battle between whether the day will end up with a “tossing of the cookies” or the “squirts”.

Good think my cube is close to the bathrooms at work. I will be splitting time between the two, I think.

Get the flush out

male and female signage on wall

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This probably falls into the TMI category, but it is no less irritating either way.

Have you ever walked into a public bathroom to use the facilities, open the stall door, and find that the crapper has already been crapped in but the final flush failed (whether they didn’t do it themselves or it plugged) to get done? So you end up turning up your nose, maybe curse under your breath a little, and then move on to the next stall? Yeah, me too.

Now, get this. While that previous scenario is frustrating, what’s worse is to find a toilet in your own home in a similar condition…open the lid to sit down and SURPRISE! Now you have to risk flushing and hope that the swirling water stays in the bowl and doesn’t end up on the floor making an even more inconvenient event.

I tell you, I am pretty sure teens have brain damage.

Perhaps we should do like some suggest with animals that pee or poop in the house, rub their face in it. Maybe it we rubbed the teen’s face in it they would get the picture? Yeah, you’re right. The brain damage is too significant. They likely wouldn’t get the picture.

Here goes nothing…

#SMH

A bladder the size of a walnut

white ceramic male toilet

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OK, so this getting old thing is getting old.

Is it a requirement that as you get older bladder gets smaller? I swear it must be.

I used to be like a damn camel when it came to holding my…water. Now I might go to the bathroom 3 times a night (sometimes not at all) and during the day, well let’s just say I might be wearing a path in the carpet at work from my cubi-cell to the bathroom. There are times where I find myself turning into the 8 year old I used to be and doing the “bathroom dance” because I am in the middle of something and don’t want to stop yet.

Yes, I drink a lot of coffee. Why wouldn’t I? Yes, I know it is a diuretic and it will cause me to pee a lot. But seriously, one cup could cause me to take four trips to the bathroom! LOL I think the problem here is my bladder has gotten smaller. That has to be it.

My love/hate relationship with toilet paper

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What to do…what to do…well, this blog is going in the toilet…

The picture above was from a recent trip to the men’s room at work. Yes, I needed to “cop a squat” and empty the main tank. There were so many choices for toilet paper that it was a little overwhelming. However, there wasn’t really a choice because they all were of the same relative quality, which got me to thinking about my love/hate relationship with TP.

It’s too thin. It’s too thick. There is not enough on the roll (or worse, there are no rolls at all). The roll is too big to fit in the dispenser. Use too much and you plug the toilet. Use too little and you’re sporting a brown racing stripe in the undies. Sometimes protects the fingers and other times you’re using TP to wipe the fingers before your next wipe on the rear end.

At least one of these problems occurs during each visit to “the can” and you *literally* sit there fuming. So why is that we can’t figure out an alternative to this stuff? Yes, there are “adult wipes” but they plug the toilets or sewer systems. There are bidets, but that hasn’t caught on in the US and I am still not sure what you are supposed to do about a wet ass…(as you can tell, I have never been presented with this option).

Anyone else feel me on this love/hate relationship? What do you think is the solution?

Seriously, guys, why so slobbish?

white ceramic male toilet

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I am going to go out on a generalization limb here…guys are freaking slobs (moan).

I know, there is something weird about me saying that since I am one but I don’t think I am a slob and I think my wife would agree if you asked her. I pick up after myself. I put stuff away, where I found it. I clean. Maybe, I am the oddity?

Anyway, my place of employment shares a building with another organization and I can safely say that the guys in the other organization are freaking slobs. I can safely say that because my company only has three males at this location and two of them are on vacation – leaving me as the only guy in the building that doesn’t belong to the people upstairs.

That being said, guys, if you can’t aim that “waste disposal tube” at the urinal and get every drop in there – then sit the hell down! Why do guys have such a hard time with this? At work, at the ballpark, at a restaurant, in a Honeybucket, you name it and there is likely piss all over the place…the edge of the urinal, the wall, the floor…every. freaking.where. Seriously? Get a grip, and I mean that quite literally.

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So you move from one gross mess to the next. After leaving the “splash-o-rama urinal,” you turn around to wash your hands and it looks like a baby elephant just took a freaking bath in the sink. There is water everywhere and its puddled up all over the counter! #WTH  Did any water actually make it back in the sink? Good grief people! Clean up after yourselves.

Seriously, you guys are gross.

*Pictures are not from my actual building because that would be gross, and why would I make you guys put up with that too?*