bathroom | Piss and Moan

Bathroom hider

I have a co-worker who I have now determined to be a bathroom hider.

He isn’t a directly associated co-worker. He is in the same organization but on another team and I don’t work with him directly.

Anyway, I have noticed a trend with this guy. He goes to the bathroom on a pretty regular basis, like at least twice an hour (know this because he walks righ past my cube). When I have had occasion to enter the bathroom I have noticed he is parked in the farthest stall in the room (I know it’s him because of his rather distinctive shoes). The unusual thing about his bathroom visits is that he is quite obviously going in there to watch videos (no, not that kind…). I have heard them echoing throughout the space from outside the door but as soon as you open the door he silences what he is watching. After you have left the room, he unmutes again.

His bathroom visits last somewhere 10-15 minutes (think of that as between 20 and 30 minutes of lost productivity per hour).

I hope you aren’t thinking I am a creeper…I am not. I just notice things. I notice things that most people probably don’t. Details. I just happen to notice this stuff because he literally makes a trek past my cube at least four times per hour. But I am probably not the only one. I’ll bet his co-workers (people actually on his team) have noticed his afrequent absences too; however they may not know what he is doing during that time or where he is going.

So, just curious, do you have a person or people like this at your place of employment? Do you have a bathroom hider? A beverage hanger (someone who hangs out at the watercool or coffee pot to shoot the breeze)? A visiting ducker (a social butterfly who visits every cube/office to chat to avoid actual work)?

Yes, I made those all up. Got a better name for them?

Hairy soap

Posted on August 17 by backuphill

I’m a body wash in a bottle guy for a reason. I don’t like hairy soap, plain and simple.

What do I mean? Well, I have had a bar of soap in the shower in the past. Obviously, I use it to clean my body, every day without fail. But, I use my hands to get a lather and then use my hands to spread the lather over my body parts – which usually also leads to more lather as well. I do not let the bar of soap touch any part of my body directly because I do not like hair on my bar of soap – even my own. It doesn’t even have to be hair from the nether regions of the body, just hair in general.

Now, imagine that I have managed to keep my soap hair free for several months and things are going swell. No worries in the world.

Then imagine a guest staying at the house who does not follow the same “soap rules” as I do. They take a shower, they use the soap in unacceptable ways, which is of course unbeknownst to them. They think nothing of it.

I am sure you can now imagine my surprise when I go to pick up the bar of soap and notice hair stuck to if from the previous user of the soap – obviously not me. Surprise probably isn’t really the right word…but I’ll keep the discussion family friendly. Bar of soap ruined.

Toss that slippery mess right into the trash! It is now contaminated beyond help.

Weird? I don’t know. Maybe. Anyone else out there hate this?

Thus, I am a body wash in a bottle kind of guy. Problem solved. No extra hair, anywhere.

Paper jam

Posted on April 26 by backuphill

I’d really like to thank whichever co-worker(s) continually jams the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom. It takes talent to do it on a regular basis and make it so others can’t use it.

Pulling the paper out and away from the dispenser has proven time and again to be the most effective way to use the dispenser. The cutter inside the machine works best that way. It cuts the paper towels just like it supposed to.

But whomever is doing this jamming thing, consistently pulls the paper towels sideways thus gathing all the paper in the corner, bunching the paper into a wad and rendering the cutter ineffective because it isn’t in that part of the dispenser. The next time the autofeed runs (because it is a sensor) it rolls the paper up into a tangle inside the machine, further jamming the dispenser even more.

It’s a pretty simple design and the function is also pretty simple. So, making it complicated can only mean that the person doing this is a moron. Continually a moron.

Thanks, moron.

Perhaps they need to have a paper towel dispenser orientation in the bathroom during the building tour given to new hires. It seems silly but is likely the only solution to this problem.

Pooped

Posted on November 13, 2020 by backuphill

Maybe this falls into the TMI category, maybe it doesn’t. I am sure the male readers in the group can probably attest to something of a similar experience, and if nothing else it might provide for a little comedic reading.

So, I am an early morning pooper.

I really prefer to get to my squatting done before my shower. I mean, that way I can head into the day with a freshly clean keister and don’t have to worry about unintentional stankiness (at least for the first part of the day).

So, typically the day begins after crawling outta bed with a squat on the porcelain throne. The amount of time can vary, but usually the business is done in 15-20 minutes and then I can proceed to the shower.

Today, I spent my usual time on the commode and then proceeded to hop into the shower. Not 10 minutes later, I am getting the painful feeling that I need to cop-a-squat again. Now I am feeling those gaseous pains and squeezing the cheeks together hoping that I am not gonna drop a package in the shower. Thankfully, it subsided briefly and I was able to finish my shower.

After getting outta the shower, no pressing feeling to visit the “thinking throne” is persisting so I am thinking I am gonna be able to start the day as usual. I get dressed and make coffee.

HELLO! I am reminded that the gas has not passed and either I am gonna have to do the penguin waddle to the water closet or find something to lean up against and endure the sharp pain in the middle region again. I wait because no waddle will happen without an accident. After the gurgling stops and the pain is tempered, I quickly head for the pooper.

Wait…the gas pains have returned, literally just before the pants come down and I am left staring at the crapper whilst I grimace through the next wave of internal chaos. WTH! Literally a foot from the squatter and I can’t use it….yet…

I am not sure why decided to turn my bowels into a problematic mess that required multiple visits to the porcelain bowl. Either way, that last trip seemed to do the trick. The main tank has been completely emptied.

I still would have liked to done it the first time and not had to put on pants feeling “unclean.”

There ya go! A little Friday the 13th potty humor/giggle/TMI for you.

Anyone else have similar experiences or habits?

Who did this?

Posted on March 20, 2020 by backuphill

WHO DID THIS?!?!?

…leaving a square destroyed like this is just not acceptable. It’s unusable at this point!

I may hyperventilate at the wastefulness. This impacts resources. Seriously. This stuff doesn’t grow on trees…and neither does the money needed to buy this it…

Wait.

Wipe that…from the memory banks…

Maybe both do grow on trees.

OK, “toilet paper math dad,” what do you do with this? How does this calculate into your figuring? And does the average person actually need (or use) 20 squares? But I digress.

All right, what do you do with these wasted squares? Do you put them inside the next wipe, do you tear it off and drop it in the toilet so you have a nice neat edge for the next wipe, or do you tear it off and re-purpose it? Any other ideas you can think of?

Over/Under

Posted on September 18, 2019 by backuphill

If you are betting person, you probably think this is about something you do. It isn’t. I am not really a betting person, but I’ll take the Over on the fact that you likely have an opinion on today’s topic. Almost everyone does, they just might not like to admit it.

It goes a little like this…

You walk into the room. You really aren’t paying but you find a seat and go about your business. As you finish, you notice the toilet paper is wrong. Wrong, as in someone has put the roll in backwards. You try to ignore it but you just can’t. You have to try and switch it so it meets your preference. Over or Under.

I had to deal with this in my own house recently. Someone who doesn’t live here put the new roll of toilet paper into the dispenser the wrong way. I immediately had to fix it. I couldn’t even start the process by sitting down first.

Me? Well, I prefer Over. It is, after all, the only right way to do it.

How about you? Does the Over/Under bother you? Do you have a hard time resisting fixing it, even in someone else’s house?

**PSA: Parents, if you are teaching your children the Under, you are doing it wrong. Please don’t subject the rest of the public to your malfeasance. No one, especially your children, deserves that kind of abuse.

Multiplication

Posted on August 28, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Today’s topic may be one of TMI. I don’t know, really. I am sure there are others out there that suffer the same horrible fate as me, so I doubt there won’t be at least one person who identifies with my plight.

How is it that you can do one thing and it turns into many things?

Math has never been a strong area for me, but I have a rather good grasp of the basic functions. However, the math on this particular subject just doesn’t add up.

Take for instance my love of and consumption of coffee. I really could drink the stuff all day, but there is one serious problem with that. If I drink three cups of coffee and it turns into 9 (+/-) trips to the bathroom. Now I haven’t done a scientific study of my bladder, but the routine is rather ingrained and the carpet at work is beginning to get worn in my path of travel.

How can this be?? Yes, I realize it is a diuretic, or at least that is what they say. But, if that is really the case and it is dehydrating me, why then do I still carry around so much extra liquid? I should be skinny by now!

The math on this is nearly a complete mystery to me on this, 3 = 9.

I have some friends who drink beer like crazy. I think they might actually be dromedaries because they don’t seem to have to pee all the time. Maybe their bladders are just stretched out from practice. Maybe I need to drink my beer to get in shape for drinking more coffee…I could be on to something here…training, that’s what I need!

Anyway, I need to pee so I guess I’ll stop writing now.

Anyone else feel like they have a bladder the size of a walnut?

Something you ate?

Posted on July 10, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by hermaion on Pexels.com

Ever have that queasy feeling that you just can’t shake?

Like, it just hangs on but doesn’t really have an effect until later? Yeah, that is me today.

I started feeling it last night before bed. I was hoping maybe sleep would help so I just skipped most of the evening and headed for the pillow. Unfortunately, that just turned into a night of tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable. There is something going on in there and it doesn’t feel right. But, I wasn’t so uncomfortable that it caused me to get out of bed.

Well, this morning it came. Maybe it was something I ate yesterday or last night. I normally have a pretty iron clad stomach, but his morning…well, let’s just say everyone wanted out of the pool.

Multiple visits to the throne room already. It’s gonna be a long day at work. Luckily (if, in this situation, that’s possible), it happens to be just one end – the bottom end – and not both.

There. I said it without saying it. Enough to get the picture but not too much.

Have an uncomfortable Wednesday, people.

A little uneasy

Posted on June 3, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I didn’t sleep well last night.

You know that feeling like something just doesn’t feel right in your stomach? Yeah, I had that. All night I felt like something was going to happen at one end of the body (TMI?). I would fall asleep and then wake up a short time later, always on the verge of something but nothing really happening.

Except lack of sleep. It was a rough night for getting good sleep.

I woke up this morning with less of the uneasy feeling but it is lingering. Still seems to be a battle between whether the day will end up with a “tossing of the cookies” or the “squirts”.

Good think my cube is close to the bathrooms at work. I will be splitting time between the two, I think.

Get the flush out

Posted on January 23, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

This probably falls into the TMI category, but it is no less irritating either way.

Have you ever walked into a public bathroom to use the facilities, open the stall door, and find that the crapper has already been crapped in but the final flush failed (whether they didn’t do it themselves or it plugged) to get done? So you end up turning up your nose, maybe curse under your breath a little, and then move on to the next stall? Yeah, me too.

Now, get this. While that previous scenario is frustrating, what’s worse is to find a toilet in your own home in a similar condition…open the lid to sit down and SURPRISE! Now you have to risk flushing and hope that the swirling water stays in the bowl and doesn’t end up on the floor making an even more inconvenient event.

I tell you, I am pretty sure teens have brain damage.

Perhaps we should do like some suggest with animals that pee or poop in the house, rub their face in it. Maybe it we rubbed the teen’s face in it they would get the picture? Yeah, you’re right. The brain damage is too significant. They likely wouldn’t get the picture.

Here goes nothing…

#SMH