Where are the laundry elves?

wooden laundry washing clothes line

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I don’t know about your house, but there definitely are no laundry elves where I live.

Why can’t I just leave and come home to washed, folded, and put away laundry? I mean, seriously, does anyone enjoy doing this chore? If you do, how much does it cost to hire you?

There’s got to be an elf, or gnome, or app for that. Right?

There is no magic and it isn’t fun.

Just get done already.

Cuts so deep

kitchen knife

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Tip of the iceberg. Tip of the finger.

One you can see, the other I am afraid to look at.

Throbbing.

Intense throbbing after a mishap with a knife. Man they’re sharp. Look at your middle finger, imagine a line about mid fingernail, and then think cut across the line…it didn’t go all the way through. Luckily the nail stopped it to some degree. (sorry if it grosses you out)

Stupid carrot sticks. Healthy eating just isn’t worth this kind of pain.

Does it need stitches? Probably. Will I get them? Probably not.

Rub some dirt in it and put on some duct tape, right? Isn’t that the cure for injuries like this?

I’m gonna stop now, It hurts to type. And BandAids don’t make for easy typing either.

Flakey flakeness

grey road painting

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OK, “flakeness” is apparently a word I made up. No matter. It fits the description just fine.

Ever tried to sell something on Facebook Marketplace? Sometimes success. Sometimes utter failure.

I think I have talked about this in the past, but I don’t remember and can’t find the post if I did. But, really people are just flakes. Flakey Flakeness to the core.

How do you say you want to buy something, agree to a time and place, ask to be given advanced notice when you’re almost there, and THEN not show up? Don’t answer any more messages or texts? Really? Damn, people, get it together.

Follow through.

Say what you’ll do and do what you say.

Courtesy. It’s a cool thing we should still expect.

Stop the flakeness already!

 

Follow the instructions they said

person pointing on white textile

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Follow the instructions.

Generalizing, this is a tough thing for us males to do. We just want to jump right in and make things happen. We know what to do instinctively. Now, that generalization might be true of many men but it is not true of me. I actually like to read the instructions and user manual so I can get the most out of something I just bought.

So, we have replaced a couple appliances in the kitchen recently and two of them arrived yesterday. I was left to replace the microwave after all was said and done (the store wanted $150 for the install). I looked at the instructions and measurements. I looked at the space and did the measurements. It would fit and it would work nicely in the space the old one filled.

Commence the two hour microwave wrestling session. I drilled new holes (because of course the old ones won’t work). I mounted the new bracket. I measured twice and sometimes even three times to make sure everything was going to line up. With some help, because I am not Superman, the microwave was hefted into position. It attached to the bracket just fine, but otherwise wouldn’t fit.

At this point I was wishing I had four arms and was three people. Off the microwave came. I measured some more. No, it is should fit just like it says. I measured again. Yes, it will fit. The microwave was hefted again and set on the bracket. Still no fit (of course, because I didn’t change anything). While while holding it in place I was formulating a plan – the plan was coming together…SHOVE until it fits. This is gonna work.

So, shove I did. No budge. Shove some more. Still no budge. Rest. Shove again, harder. No budge. Shove some more. Still no budge. Let’s try greasing the edge a little to help it along. (yes, I greased an appliance. You read that correctly.) Grease, in the form of Crisco, applied. Shove again. It moved right into place. Excellent. Now to finish the mount by attaching the screws on the top.

The holes don’t line up.

Damn, Koreans. This thing was probably built by North Korea or something…

Pull it back down. Re-drill the holes. I am just gonna guess this time since the template obviously was NO HELP the first time. Shove the microwave into place. The screws match perfectly. Microwave mounted.

The lesson: skip the instructions and template. Just eyeball it and give it a shot.

I guess I should just go with my maleness.

 

Raining on my parade

road landscape nature forest

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Not really a parade, per se. Not even a celebration of sorts. But it is raining.

I have been on vacation this week. The kids are on on spring break and since I am no longer a teacher I don’t get a spring break, so I made one and took vacation.

The first several days of my vacation were pretty productive and I have finished a few projects that needed some attention. There are still projects on my list and there are a few things that I am sure will come up as I think of more things to do.

One thing I hadn’t counted on and have never liked – rain on my vacation. Yes, I know it is selfish, but who wants rain on their vacation so their plans get ruined or put on hold? Wouldn’t you rather just have sun and be able to do what you want to do without interference from Mother Nature? No one wants to get rained out.

I guess I’ll have to see what inside projects I can add to the list.

“The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, tomorrow…”

 

The line cutter

group of people walking near clear glass window with a view of white airplane parked during daytime

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Yo, dude, never mind me. I wasn’t standing here, in line, waiting my turn like a civilized person.

Ever had that happen to you? Of course you have. I am sure it happens way more often than you’d like, in fact. Because, you know, the people who read this blog are all rational and intelligent people who like order.

In the last week, it has happened at Starbucks and Home Depot. Minding my own business, waiting patiently for my turn in line, when some jackwagon walks up and jumps in line without looking to see if there were people in line. Yes, lady, we’re all just standing here for our health.

Confession time…about a month ago, I was that jackwagon. It was totally not on purpose though and I apologized PROFUSELY when I discovered that I had jumped in line in front of people who were waiting. It was at the grocery store and they were standing in an aisle waiting for the register to open up (in my defense, they were more than 8 feet away). I looked. It didn’t appear at first glance that people were waiting, so I jumped in line. Only as I got started on the self-checkout that the lady standing in the front of the line in the aisle came to start her self-checkout did I realize that there had been a line. She was gracious and didn’t curse me out, but good grief did I feel bad.

The Starbucks lady? She didn’t feel bad at all. I guess her overwhelming need for that frappe just overrode her sense of common decency and humanity. The guy at Home Depot? Yeah, no such remorse from him either. He just dragged the store associate to another aisle and took his sweet time asking questions while the rest of us waited for the associate to come back.

So, in conclusion, let’s all slow down a little today and take it easy. Nothing is really that important. Be courteous. Be kind. Be patient. Be polite.

Be in line.

Like mowing rocks

douglas-fir-cones_1024x1024

Up here in the PNW we have trees. Lots of them. They’re everywhere. Well, mostly everywhere. There are places that have a shortage of trees, but don’t feel sorry for them. Feel sorry for me. Please. Like right now. Feel it.

Right now I would like to cut down all my trees. I don’t really need them and I don’t really have a use for them. They’re really more of a pain really.

I think I have talked about one aspect of the pain on the blog already, pine needles. I think I also mentioned in another post about trees and their freaking leaves falling in the yard too. BUT there is another aspect of pain that I haven’t yet mentioned when it comes to my trees.

Pine cones.

No, not the great big ones with pokey things on them that smell like cinnamon that you can buy at Michael’s or Hobby Lobby or JoAnn Fabrics during Christmas time. While I am sure those are an issue for someone somewhere, they aren’t my issue.

My pine cones are from the Douglas Fir trees in the yard. (see the photo at the top) These stupid trees produce (seemingly) millions of pine cones every year and then during the winter months they shed them all over my freaking yard. When spring comes and it is time to mow the yard, these pine cones are in varying degrees of opening (so some are “soft” – meaning opened, and some are hard as rocks because they are wet and closed).

It takes time to pick these things up, bent over for hours scouring the ground to find them all (used to bride the kids to do it for money – one year they picked up 40 gallons [8 5-gallon buckets] of them). The kids are old enough now they aren’t going to fall for Dollar Store trinkets any longer.

So, rather than pick them up this year, I just decided to try and mow over them. Oh man the racket!! It was like mowing rocks.

So, between the pine needles and pine cones and sap from some of the trees, and falling leaves from some of the other trees, and moss all over the yard – yeah, this place is a modern day paradise for landscaping nightmares.

#smh