Bucket of poo

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Well, well, well….this probably falls into the TMI category, but you get to take a look through the window of poop testing. Actually not really “probably,” it does fall into the TMI category but I am wondering if others have had a similar frustration while trying to poop in a bucket for health reasons.

A while back I was notified by the insurance company that I needed to have my colon checked because I turned 50 this year. I made the appointment with my doc and we discussed the options. Basically, there are three ways to do this: every year I can smear some poop on a strip of paper and send it in, or every six years I can poop in a bucket for Cologuard, or I can go the route of every 10 years having an up close and personal inspection of my colon via the colonoscopy. Three options that vary in invasiveness but all get the job done. I went with the second option, poop in a bucket.

Honestly, I didnt’ think it was going to be that big a deal. What I have learned is there is a huge marketing campaign (bigger than just the tv commericials) behind the behind investigation. The paperwork was filled out and short thereafter I started receiving snail mail about the test, emails about the test, text messages about the test, and voicemail messages about the test. Eventually the test showed up and about every 4-7 days I would get a text reminder that I needed to complete the test and send it in.

When I finally felt that I could complete it I read the instructions and went through the uncomfortable process of getting the bucket in the toilet and then making sure my aim was good enough to not make a mess. I completed the test, took the box to a UPS drop off place to make sure it was Next Day Air shipped as required.

Not long after I got a voicemail saying that my sample was not accepted and that I would have to do it again. No reasons given, just call them to have it sent again. Perplexing…

When I called to have another one shipped, I asked why it wasn’t accepted. I figured maybe it didn’t make it there on time. Nope, not the reason. The reason was because “the sample was too heavy.” My assumption is that the sample was too big – apparently they weigh it before testing it and if it is too heavy they just toss it. SMH….never mind the fact that the sample done correctly other than there was “too much.” And you’re telling me that it is completely unusable because there is too much???

Um, are you aware that pooping isn’t a start and stop kind of event? Basically, they want you to poop a little, stop, remove the bucket from the toilet, and then continue pooping. Yeah, about that….WHO DOES THEIR POOPING IN STAGES? Or, I guess the alternative would be to find some kind of utensil to dig around in the bucket to remove excess poo to deposit it into the toilet. Nothing like inspecting your poo before shipping off a bucket of it…

Anyway, there is now another box with a bucket sitting next to the toilet waiting for me to have “just the right size” “movement” to fulfill all their requirements.

Anyone else been frustrated with the requirements of the Cologuard sample process?

Pooped

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Maybe this falls into the TMI category, maybe it doesn’t. I am sure the male readers in the group can probably attest to something of a similar experience, and if nothing else it might provide for a little comedic reading.

So, I am an early morning pooper.

I really prefer to get to my squatting done before my shower. I mean, that way I can head into the day with a freshly clean keister and don’t have to worry about unintentional stankiness (at least for the first part of the day).

So, typically the day begins after crawling outta bed with a squat on the porcelain throne. The amount of time can vary, but usually the business is done in 15-20 minutes and then I can proceed to the shower.

Today, I spent my usual time on the commode and then proceeded to hop into the shower. Not 10 minutes later, I am getting the painful feeling that I need to cop-a-squat again. Now I am feeling those gaseous pains and squeezing the cheeks together hoping that I am not gonna drop a package in the shower. Thankfully, it subsided briefly and I was able to finish my shower.

After getting outta the shower, no pressing feeling to visit the “thinking throne” is persisting so I am thinking I am gonna be able to start the day as usual. I get dressed and make coffee.

HELLO! I am reminded that the gas has not passed and either I am gonna have to do the penguin waddle to the water closet or find something to lean up against and endure the sharp pain in the middle region again. I wait because no waddle will happen without an accident. After the gurgling stops and the pain is tempered, I quickly head for the pooper.

Wait…the gas pains have returned, literally just before the pants come down and I am left staring at the crapper whilst I grimace through the next wave of internal chaos. WTH! Literally a foot from the squatter and I can’t use it….yet…

I am not sure why decided to turn my bowels into a problematic mess that required multiple visits to the porcelain bowl. Either way, that last trip seemed to do the trick. The main tank has been completely emptied.

I still would have liked to done it the first time and not had to put on pants feeling “unclean.”

There ya go! A little Friday the 13th potty humor/giggle/TMI for you.

Anyone else have similar experiences or habits?

Monkeys all

architecture building capitol dawn

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I think it is safe to say that Congress continues to demonstrate that we, the American people, have elected a bunch of monkeys to run the country.

I am having a difficult time seeing anything else at this point. Both sides, Republicans and Democrats, continue to live up to the old Mark Twain quote, “There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

I am just tired of it.

Nonsense, from everyone, though some seem to be more nonsensical than others.

Monkeys actually might be more civilized. I am sure there could be a serious debate on that point, but in my mind I think it’s probably true. There has to be a better option than the yahoo’s we have “running the country.”

Anyone else tired of this poo slinging behavior and really want them to get about the business of something other than party agendas and political sabotage?

Get the flush out

male and female signage on wall

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This probably falls into the TMI category, but it is no less irritating either way.

Have you ever walked into a public bathroom to use the facilities, open the stall door, and find that the crapper has already been crapped in but the final flush failed (whether they didn’t do it themselves or it plugged) to get done? So you end up turning up your nose, maybe curse under your breath a little, and then move on to the next stall? Yeah, me too.

Now, get this. While that previous scenario is frustrating, what’s worse is to find a toilet in your own home in a similar condition…open the lid to sit down and SURPRISE! Now you have to risk flushing and hope that the swirling water stays in the bowl and doesn’t end up on the floor making an even more inconvenient event.

I tell you, I am pretty sure teens have brain damage.

Perhaps we should do like some suggest with animals that pee or poop in the house, rub their face in it. Maybe it we rubbed the teen’s face in it they would get the picture? Yeah, you’re right. The brain damage is too significant. They likely wouldn’t get the picture.

Here goes nothing…

#SMH

My love/hate relationship with toilet paper

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What to do…what to do…well, this blog is going in the toilet…

The picture above was from a recent trip to the men’s room at work. Yes, I needed to “cop a squat” and empty the main tank. There were so many choices for toilet paper that it was a little overwhelming. However, there wasn’t really a choice because they all were of the same relative quality, which got me to thinking about my love/hate relationship with TP.

It’s too thin. It’s too thick. There is not enough on the roll (or worse, there are no rolls at all). The roll is too big to fit in the dispenser. Use too much and you plug the toilet. Use too little and you’re sporting a brown racing stripe in the undies. Sometimes protects the fingers and other times you’re using TP to wipe the fingers before your next wipe on the rear end.

At least one of these problems occurs during each visit to “the can” and you *literally* sit there fuming. So why is that we can’t figure out an alternative to this stuff? Yes, there are “adult wipes” but they plug the toilets or sewer systems. There are bidets, but that hasn’t caught on in the US and I am still not sure what you are supposed to do about a wet ass…(as you can tell, I have never been presented with this option).

Anyone else feel me on this love/hate relationship? What do you think is the solution?