Bucket of poo

Photo by Max Vakhtbovych on Pexels.com

Well, well, well….this probably falls into the TMI category, but you get to take a look through the window of poop testing. Actually not really “probably,” it does fall into the TMI category but I am wondering if others have had a similar frustration while trying to poop in a bucket for health reasons.

A while back I was notified by the insurance company that I needed to have my colon checked because I turned 50 this year. I made the appointment with my doc and we discussed the options. Basically, there are three ways to do this: every year I can smear some poop on a strip of paper and send it in, or every six years I can poop in a bucket for Cologuard, or I can go the route of every 10 years having an up close and personal inspection of my colon via the colonoscopy. Three options that vary in invasiveness but all get the job done. I went with the second option, poop in a bucket.

Honestly, I didnt’ think it was going to be that big a deal. What I have learned is there is a huge marketing campaign (bigger than just the tv commericials) behind the behind investigation. The paperwork was filled out and short thereafter I started receiving snail mail about the test, emails about the test, text messages about the test, and voicemail messages about the test. Eventually the test showed up and about every 4-7 days I would get a text reminder that I needed to complete the test and send it in.

When I finally felt that I could complete it I read the instructions and went through the uncomfortable process of getting the bucket in the toilet and then making sure my aim was good enough to not make a mess. I completed the test, took the box to a UPS drop off place to make sure it was Next Day Air shipped as required.

Not long after I got a voicemail saying that my sample was not accepted and that I would have to do it again. No reasons given, just call them to have it sent again. Perplexing…

When I called to have another one shipped, I asked why it wasn’t accepted. I figured maybe it didn’t make it there on time. Nope, not the reason. The reason was because “the sample was too heavy.” My assumption is that the sample was too big – apparently they weigh it before testing it and if it is too heavy they just toss it. SMH….never mind the fact that the sample done correctly other than there was “too much.” And you’re telling me that it is completely unusable because there is too much???

Um, are you aware that pooping isn’t a start and stop kind of event? Basically, they want you to poop a little, stop, remove the bucket from the toilet, and then continue pooping. Yeah, about that….WHO DOES THEIR POOPING IN STAGES? Or, I guess the alternative would be to find some kind of utensil to dig around in the bucket to remove excess poo to deposit it into the toilet. Nothing like inspecting your poo before shipping off a bucket of it…

Anyway, there is now another box with a bucket sitting next to the toilet waiting for me to have “just the right size” “movement” to fulfill all their requirements.

Anyone else been frustrated with the requirements of the Cologuard sample process?

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