Internal combustion

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There are a lot of things going on right now in the world and I suppose this little title could apply to the the various technologies that use fuel and internal combustion to run them. Damn, gas is getting expensive! This post is about a totally different subject, but what reason in hell were we buying Russian oil for when we could completely rely on our own source of oil but refuse to tap into it?

Anyway…

The internal combustion I am referring to is actually inside of me.

Someone said the other day said that they thought something was going on inside of me that maybe I hadn’t recognized or identified yet. They had noticed that my usual level of grumpiness had increased to a level I might not be aware of but that others were noticing. It was mentioned that perhaps it was my newfound age of 50, or maybe it was something at work, or maybe it was…nothing else was pointed out.

I said that I didn’t think that I was all that grumpy, at least not that I was aware of. It was news to me if people thought I was grumpier than normal.

As I thought about it a bit more through the day, I thought that maybe there was something going on. I don’t know if I have really put a finger on it yet. As I am thinking of where I am in life at the moment and current circumstances, I can see (or feel) that I am unsettled. I am finding myself frustrated with everything that has to do with my current situation. Daily life has become a chore and finding joy in places that one would think it could be found just isn’t providing it. Instead, those places are kinda killing the joy.

As such, there may be a little internal combustion going on as I am trying to keep a lid on the unhappiness, the joylessness, the irritability, the frustration, the distaste for my current state. It’s not that I want to tear everything down, torch it to the ground, or start completely over. It’s just when I look around me, I don’t know how I got here and I didn’t envision myself here, and I don’t want to really stay here. Does that make sense?

Call it a mid-life crisis? Nah, I don’t think so. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I don’t think it is.

The internal combustion inside of me is keeping me moving (hopefully in a positive direction) but the fire in me sometimes gets rather dim when I am tired of being the rather responsible one. It gets tiring being the one who carries everything on his shoulders and keeps the plates spinning and keeps the wagon train headed in the correct direction. The one who hold it all together, all the time, every time.

Maybe I am just burned out on life right now.

My engine isn’t running at it’s prime, that’s for sure.

Perhaps I am just one cycle from failure, explosion, or implosion.

Suddenly sucks

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Work.

There is too much of it, so I write a blog post about it instead.

Seems fair.

I am actually procrastinating because I don’t really want to dive into the overwhelming list of things that needs to get done. It seems the list continues to grow every day and I am not taking many things off of it.

Work suddenly sucks. I never really thought it would get this way. Don’t get me wrong, I still like what I do and the people I work with, but there is generally a feeling of dread each morning before I go to work…and I am exhausted when I am done with it.

Our normal team of 17 is down to 14. Well, 14 and a quarter.

I say a quarter because we recently hired someone to replace a co-worker that left back in October. But, he thing with this hire is that the management went with someone who has no background, no history, no knowledge of the software at all. The new hire has a lot of technical skill from their time in the military, but no skills that actually help the team at the moment, and likely won’t really contribute to the team in a meaningful sense for probably a year. The new hire will be great once up to speed, but in the meantime it will be painful for the rest of us.

The reason we are so far behind in hiring is that we had two co-workers leave to go to other jobs in the same field at about the same time. One of those people had 18 years of experience and knowledge go with them and the other had about two years of direct knowledge and many years of ancillary knowledge go with them. We have only replaced one of them.

We also had a co-worker die recently from an extended battle with lung cancer. Again, there was many years of experience and knowledge lost as a result. We all felt this loss in different ways and we are all trying to pick up the slack since it happened. The co-worker had actually been working all the way up to two weeks before their death.

So, if you are keeping track, we are down two (basically three) positions and there is also an impending retirement coming up in the next several months. Then we will be down three (basically four) positions. They have just posted the position for one of the jobs…and we’re all hoping for some really outstanding, qualified, and experience candidates. The problem is that they are only going to be replacing one at this point.

I’m just tired. And overwhelmed.

It has to get better soon.

Bad motivator

I seem to have a bad motivator. Yet, I have so much I could be doing. Anyone else having a hard time getting started today?

After a LONG, short week of work and every evening being dominated by gazebo construction (no, not done yet), I am just having a hard time focusing on what needs to be done at work today. I am already thinking about what I may be able to accomplish after work today, and yet there is a part of me that says, “You should just sit on the couch tonight.”

Perhaps another droid would like to take over and finish out the day for me.

Anyone?

“Up to here”

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I am sure you probably heard it growing up. I know I did more than a few times.

Well, I can’t tell you how many times I have uttered those words directly at my children, but I do know that I have said it mentally or muttered it under my breath thousands of times. Maybe tens of thousands..

I have had it up to here… *motions with hand at a level*

– said by every parent in the world at one time or another

Up to my armpits. Up to my neck. Up to my chin. Up to my nose. Up to my eyeballs. Up to my ears. Up to the top of as high as my arm will reach…up to here!

Again, there is a certain child and his family that I have had it up to here with…the never ending, always needs help, continuously makes bad choices, can’t catch a break, needy child. Up to HERE!

Actually, when I think about it, there are a lot of things I have had it UP TO HERE with:

Politics.

Liberals.

Lockdowns.

Family.

Covid-19.

Media.

Social Media.

Can you feel me? There are a lot of things to have had it up to here with…

I am just gonna sit here, in the dark, and ignore everyone and everything for 15 minutes. Maybe more. Until my “up to here” level has gone down.

What’s got you having it “up to here” these days? Hit the Comment button and dish!

Turtle

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Pull your arms, legs, and head into your shell. No cares. No worries. Oblivious to everyone and everything.

That’s the life.

I want it.

I am so exhausted from everything that has taken place over the last day…week…month…year…decade? Seriously. I am tired of all people.

Anyone else just wanna throw up your hands and just say, “Screw it! I am doing my own thing now and everyone else can bite me.”?

If only it were just so and things would be that easy.

Interacting with social media, the “news,” friends, and even family (in some cases) has been like molasses in sub-zero temps. Pointless.

Exercises in frustration. Conversations similar to running your knuckles over a cheesegrater. Needles to the eyeball. Whatever you do, you’re just tired of it all.

So, life of a turtle, not so bad. I can see why hermits become hermits. Is it possible, at this juncture, to find a remote uninhabited tropical island and just live there?

I’ll take it.

Spinning

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Feeling a little dizzy today. Not sure what is going on.

Maybe I haven’t had enough water.

Maybe I have had too much screen time.

Maybe I just need more rest.

I haven’t been feeling bad, so this is a little outta the blue. Felt fine yesterday, though I didnt’ post anything (did you miss me?). Had a decent weekend and don’t feel any different that usual, except for the slight dizziness.

Perhaps a I need a little something in the stomach…though I honestly could stand to lock the fridge and cabinets for a week or five. Wouldn’t hurt me to wire the jaw shut, if you know what I mean.

So, I sit here working and wonder if the words on the screen will go back in order (albeit, briefly) so I can read them and help the next client.

Anyone else found themselves on a perpetual merry-go-round lately?

Fatigue

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Anyone else just tired of everything? I mean, like, EVERYTHING.

Literally half the country has lost it’s freedom loving mind.

Not to mention that literally three counties in my state control (read that as dictate) the election results for the other 36.

I am just tired. No wonder people wander into the wilderness, live off grid, and desire to never see other humans again.

Cavemen had it good.

Kicked

man kicking bonfire

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As in, my ass.

Work is kicking it today.

Can I just retire already? (never mind I have like 20 years to go…)

How is there so much work when school isn’t in session? (cuz of the damn Covid think…)

I gotta stop answering my own questions.

 

Noon

photo of man touching his head

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Noon, and all I wanna do is sit down.

Technically, I have been sitting all morning while I work.

But I mean like actually sit down and relax. Actually, you probably already know what I meant without me having to say it. I think we would all just like to sit down and put our feet up.

It’s July 17, 2020, and we are now officially more than halfway through the year.

That’s not real comforting to know that when it feels like we have been through three years in the last six months. Right?

The next six months is shaking out to be another 4 years worth of issues. How fun will that be?

Anyone else just…tired?

Tired physically, emotionally, and of anything and everything?

 

Over

action adult adventure agility

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I’m over it.

I’m over that.

I’m over this.

I’m over the other thing.

I’m over done.

I’m over did.

I’m over do.

I’m over you.

I’m over me.

I’m over today.

I’m over tomorrow.

I’m over yesterday.

I’m over this day, week, month, year.