humor | Piss and Moan

Unnecessary apology #5

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Kinda late with this one today, but I was busy…

Once again I am here to humbly ask your forgiveness. Once again I am sure I have offended and disappointed someone out there, so let me issue this unnecessary apology just so I can cover all my bases in all instances from now until the end of time.

I bathed. Yes, I took a bath. It was a full bath tub and I actually enjoyed it.

Sorry if that makes you mad. Sorry if that makes me “less manly” or “more feminine.”

I didn’t take it to get clean. I took it to relax. I took it because it was time to be alone and in the quiet. Call it “self-care,” whatever the heck that is.

But, here’s the thing, and I am sure there is the part that will really rile some environmentalist or climate change activest’s feathers…

…the bath tub was FULL! And, it was full with HOT water!

Like, I put as much hot water in there as possible without making it spill over the edge as I lowered my body in.

What a waste, right? Too much water and too much energy was used. I am such a bad, horrible, irresponsible person.

I am sure there are poor thirsty people somewhere in the world where I could have sent all that water. Probably some farm or garden or some dried up lake/stream that supports a lower life form that could have used that water.

What’s that you say? Oh, sorry, I had my head underwater. I couldn’t hear your protests…

Not sorry, sorry.

Unnecessary apology #4

Posted on 11 Days Ago by backuphill

It was the 80s. What can I say? We all did things back then that we probably look back and cringe with disdain. 1986 was the transistion year between middle school and high school. It was awkward. Despite being fitting for the time, I look back at my former self and realize now that if I judge myself through the current “progressive” lens (even though I am not) that I really should be ashamed of myself. So, today’s unnecessary apology goes out to…

Egyptians.

Yes, Egyptians.

Why? Well, if you knew then what you know now, then today that the little dance you did in your bedroom or lockeroom or living room or bar would be prohibited. Why? Because of some kind of appropriation. I am not sure if it would be cultural or national or something else, but it is just so regretable now.

I am guilty. I am guilty of walking like an Egyptian.

Therefore, though I am not sure I really need to, I want to apologize to all the Egyptians (past, present, and into perpetuity) for doing this silly act.

I was young. I was impressionable.

I blame it on the Bangles. Their “Walk like an Egyptian” song is totally at fault. It was just such a catchy little tune. And, hey, if my silly and awkward movements might have caught Susanna Hoff’s attention somehow, well, that would have been just awesome.

So, yeah, sorry about that, Egyptians.

Just try not to get your groove (and appropriation) on when listening…

Unnecessary apology #3

Posted on 12 Days Ago by backuphill

You don’t have to admit it, but I know you have done this one too, especially if you have your own children. I’ll admit it for you. Today’s apology goes out to all primates because it’s probably not fair or cool or proper or appropriate or politically correct of us humans to imitate your eating of a banana (or at least what we think you might look like when eating a banana).

It all started that one day, way back when my daughter was just a wee one and she was finally able to eat semi-solid food. Of course, one of the softer foods to serve a wee one is a banana.

So, as she was strapped into the high chair and I was doing the thing from Unnecessary apology #2, I was prepping for my primate impersonation….

…Assume the posture, make primate noises and sounds, imitate primate mobility, make primate faces, consume banana in the primate way…

All for the entertainment of a wee one. Smiles, giggles, and claps ensue from the wee one.

Goal achieved.

Except, now thinking back, it was wholey inappropriate of me to assume that I could or should take on primate charateristics. How rude and insensitive of me. I am sure they (the primates) would be offended had they seen me.

Apology served.

Unnecessary apology #2

Posted on 13 Days Ago by backuphill

I don’t know if there is a term for this, but I probably have to apologize to someone, somewhere for it. Maybe the apology is owed to the young for being patronizing or maybe it is to the older folks for stooping so low as to “not act my age.”

So, today, I apologize to whomever needs to hear it – young or old.

I am sorry for talking like a baby (or very small child) to a baby.

Again, I have to admit it, but it comes as a rather natural reaction to revert back to this way of communication when someone small is involved. I just can’t help myself. The “goo-goo, ga-ga’s” just kind of fall out of my head. Is baby talk natural? It must be because we all tend to do it…and I don’t even really like babies all that much.

I find that I hate myself a little more after having regressed back to infantile language skills, but for whatever reason it seems to work in my meager attempt at communication to elicit a smile from the newly present humans.

So, please, small human, accept this unnecessary apology.

Bathroom hider

Posted on 26 Days Ago by backuphill

I have a co-worker who I have now determined to be a bathroom hider.

He isn’t a directly associated co-worker. He is in the same organization but on another team and I don’t work with him directly.

Anyway, I have noticed a trend with this guy. He goes to the bathroom on a pretty regular basis, like at least twice an hour (know this because he walks righ past my cube). When I have had occasion to enter the bathroom I have noticed he is parked in the farthest stall in the room (I know it’s him because of his rather distinctive shoes). The unusual thing about his bathroom visits is that he is quite obviously going in there to watch videos (no, not that kind…). I have heard them echoing throughout the space from outside the door but as soon as you open the door he silences what he is watching. After you have left the room, he unmutes again.

His bathroom visits last somewhere 10-15 minutes (think of that as between 20 and 30 minutes of lost productivity per hour).

I hope you aren’t thinking I am a creeper…I am not. I just notice things. I notice things that most people probably don’t. Details. I just happen to notice this stuff because he literally makes a trek past my cube at least four times per hour. But I am probably not the only one. I’ll bet his co-workers (people actually on his team) have noticed his afrequent absences too; however they may not know what he is doing during that time or where he is going.

So, just curious, do you have a person or people like this at your place of employment? Do you have a bathroom hider? A beverage hanger (someone who hangs out at the watercool or coffee pot to shoot the breeze)? A visiting ducker (a social butterfly who visits every cube/office to chat to avoid actual work)?

Yes, I made those all up. Got a better name for them?

Repeated conversations

Posted on February 17 by backuphill

Don’t you just hate repeating yourself? I seriously dislike having conversations that have been repeated over and over, like they are on “Repeat” or “Play Again” or “Restart” or “Remind” or whatever. Whether they are at work or at home, with a relative or a co-worker or even a client. I hate having to repeat something over and over.

Like, were you listening the first time? Did you hear what was said? Did you not get it or are you purposely just disregarding what we have talked about in the past.

Do you have a limit for how many times you will repeat yourself or do you just keep doing it? Do you have consequences for the person if you keep having to have the same conversation over and over again?

What do you think? Are you the repeater or the person who keeps need to be repeated to? How do you like these conversations?

Weather balloon

Posted on February 3 by backuphill

I don’t want to BLOW this out of proportion, but the story keeps EXPANDING. I think there are plenty of places to POKE HOLES in this story.

The Chinese, snickering to themselves, say it is a weather balloon and there is nothing to worry about.

Uh huh, sure it is. I don’t want to BURST their…balloon, but I am pretty sure no one is buying it.

What do you think? Does their story HOLD AIR?

Not improved

Posted on January 4 by backuphill

The first post of the new year is to let all of you know that nothing here has changed. The site is not “new and improved.” I am not new and improved. I don’t intended to make anything new or improve anything. Everything will stay the same and I will stay the same.

I am still grumpy.

I am still cantankerous.

I am still going to complain.

I am still irritable.

I am still shaking my head at all the BS around me.

I am still gonna Piss & Moan.

Have no fear, things around here aren’t going to change. So, as you read all these upbeat and overly optomistic posts on other sites about this looking (or hoping) like a better new year, just know you aren’ going to get any of that crap here.

Nothing is changing.

Hope is pointless since it will likely be dashed asap.

Just shrug your shoulders and keep trudging along.

Zero reaction

Posted on December 15, 2021 by backuphill

I am pretty good at the poker face. I probably can brag that I have a pretty good RBF too. I can literally make it so people are not sure if I am joking or serious. It’s come in relatively handy in the past.

I admire people who can give no reaction to things that would normally generate a reaction. Today, not so much. I actually found it rather interesting that a joke I told generated next to no reaction, even though it’s a pretty good one.

I sent 10 different friends on Facebook each a different pun, hoping it would possibly help at least one of them to laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I mean, come on! How can you not get a laugh out of someone? How can you not get even an eye roll or a groan? How???

I guess I am not the only person with a poker face. I bet they were laughing inside…

Can you (or did you) keep a straight face?

Thoughts?

Posted on May 24, 2021 by backuphill

Haven’t a one. Zip. Nada. Nil. Zero.

You?

I share mine, when I have them.

Seems only fair that you share yours, if you have them.

How about a trade?

I’ll tell you what I think about them once I have a thought.