children | Piss and Moan

Unnecessary apology #3

You don’t have to admit it, but I know you have done this one too, especially if you have your own children. I’ll admit it for you. Today’s apology goes out to all primates because it’s probably not fair or cool or proper or appropriate or politically correct of us humans to imitate your eating of a banana (or at least what we think you might look like when eating a banana).

It all started that one day, way back when my daughter was just a wee one and she was finally able to eat semi-solid food. Of course, one of the softer foods to serve a wee one is a banana.

So, as she was strapped into the high chair and I was doing the thing from Unnecessary apology #2, I was prepping for my primate impersonation….

…Assume the posture, make primate noises and sounds, imitate primate mobility, make primate faces, consume banana in the primate way…

All for the entertainment of a wee one. Smiles, giggles, and claps ensue from the wee one.

Goal achieved.

Except, now thinking back, it was wholey inappropriate of me to assume that I could or should take on primate charateristics. How rude and insensitive of me. I am sure they (the primates) would be offended had they seen me.

Apology served.

Don’t parent

Posted on December 16 by backuphill

There is SO MUCH that could be unloaded here as background. If you have been following this blog for a while (or have gone back and read the archive) then you know there is a family member and his children living here at the house now. Tragedy (he is a single dad now), poor choices, crappy circumstances…yeah, the situation for this person and the family is not ideal, to say the least.

However, they are here in the my home (not living in a trailer in the yard like last time). MY home. While this place may have been his home at one time, it isn’t his and it certainly hasn’t been his kids’. For all intents and purposes, they are guests here while he/they (hopefully sooner than later) get back on their feet.

But, there is constantly tension. Aside from some state food assistance, the adult staying here temporarily provides no sort of help. I am supporting eight people. My spouse is ill and physically incapable of doing much of the daily chores inside the home. She is definitely incapable of providing childcare beyond anything longer than about an hour. She wants to be helpful but frankly just isn’t able to the level she would like. So, much over EVERYTHING is left to me.

They (my spouse and her son) were having a discussion yesterday because she noticed he was frustrated (seemingly all the time). He doesn’t want to be here and feels stuck. (Frankly, we don’t really want him to be here but also feel stuck because of the situation.) He has been here for over a month now and we, obviously, have observed and heard a lot.

He doesn’t appear to want to get a full time job because he wants to get is handyman business off the ground (not a great time to get that started!). He doesn’t have a discipline strategy (constant yelling/screaming at them and repeating himself umpteen times) that works for his kids. He doesn’t have any place for the kids to go to daycare so he can work or at least work on finding work. Honestly, his life is the definition of insanity because he is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

In the discussion with my spouse yesterday he said part of the tension in the house is because he doesn’t want us parenting his children (our grandchildren). She tried to get clarification about what that meant to him but he couldn’t really explain what that meant. We are pretty sure he is talking about discipline but he wouldn’t actually say that. We have a different philosophy than he has. But honestly, his philosophy doesn’t work and it plays out every day in our home. We are trying to respect his wishes but he got mad at his mom the other day for suggesting that maybe it was time to spank one of the children. Mind you, this was AFTER he had screamed at the child all morning for blantant disobedience, attitude, disrespect, etc. The yelling is of no consequence to these children because they have heard it all the time and still hear it all the time.

“Don’t parent my children.”

So, what are we to do? They don’t obey, respect, listen, follow directions, behave, etc., when we talke to them.

But, he accepts the parenting of his children when we provide daycare, prepare and feed them meals, bathe them, helpe them with their homework, get dressed in the morning or for bed, get up with them in the middle of the night, change diapers, make bottles, help get their teeth brushed, do all their laudry, make their beds,…you can see how this is going, right?

Where exactly would you like us to “stop parenting”?

Sorry, if you are going to live under our roof for free and use all our stuff, there is gonna be some damn discipline. You don’t get to have exceptions. I don’t care if you’re the adult parent of the kids.

There has to be a better way.

The chaos is terrible. It’s like constantly living in a tornado. The “eye of the storm”? That currently doesn’t exist in this universe.

I actually don’t even look forward to returning home after leaving. I don’t want to be in my own home. The only reason I do is for fear that my spouse is the one having to do everything. I am afraid it might actually be making her worse.

Don’t parent.

We are having to parent our adult child while parenting our grandkids at the same time. It friggin’ sucks…and there is honestly no end in sight…

Don’t parent.

Like hell, I ain’t stopping. There will be peace in my home again. If it causes him and the family to move out, so be it. That’s his choice. There will be peace, one way or another.

Wasted food

Posted on December 12 by backuphill

When you were growing up what were the rules at the table for eating your food? Were you required to eat everything given to you (assuming someone else prepped your plate)? Were you required to eat everything you took (you prepped your own plate) or told the adult helping you that you would eat it all? Were you allowed to throw food away because you refused to eat it or because you had too much on your plate?

How would you handle these situations now, if you have children now or if you have grandkids?

It has been a battle over the last month because the parent of our grandchildren has never really had to live on a food budget because they have pretty much gotten assistance since having the first child. Thus, when it comes to meal times there is often wasted food, for a variety of reasons (named above).

They now all live at our house and the parent has one philosophy in how mealtimes should happen and we, of course, have a different philosphy. Their philosophy: wasted food is fine; not going to force them to eat; we can buy more or different food. My/our philosophy: eat what you are given (provided it was an appropriate serving size for age); save uneaten food for another time; rarely, if ever, waste food.

The other night said parent made spaghetti for the kids. In doing so, most of the ingredients for the meal were purchased before making the meal, except for the two pounds of ground beef. That came out of the freezer. (**short backstory on the beef…it is purchased once a year via a quarter of a cow and stored in the freezer – and it has lasted nearly all year, every year for 20+ years**) So, meal is served and the kids eat pretty well since they like this meal. The remainder of the sause is put in the fridge for leftoevers as expected. The next day the sauce is served as leftovers but WAY more than was apporpriate for the age of a couple children was given to them. Thus, there was lots of sauce not eaten. The parent was just going to throw away the remainder of the sause on the plates because they didn’t eat it.

He was stopped before doing so because the amount of waste wasn’t a spoonful or two, it was roughly the equivalent of between 1/2 and 3/4 of a pound of ground beef. He didn’t understand why he should be saving it. He thought because it has been on their plate that it should be tossed. It was explained to him that in most cases if it was a small amount that might be appropriate but because it was so much that it could be saved and fed to them again as leftovers another day.

He didn’t get it.

He was totally fine with wasting roughly $5 worth of beef plus whatever the cost of the other ingredients. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whatever,” and stored it away for another day.

Am I an asshole for trying to stay on a budget? I am I an asshole for saying he can’t use the beef we are about to purchase for the next year?

Am I making a bigger deal about this than necessary?

What are your thoughts?

They really know

Posted on February 15, 2021 by backuphill

Some people just really know how to push your buttons. Some people just really know how to make you feel lower than low. Some people just don’t show you any appreciation or love. Some of those people are people you just know, maybe they’re coworkers or acquaintances. But sometimes they are people that are supposedly close to you.

Step-kids.

Yesterday was the beginning of my 49th trip around the sun. It was a quiet day since the day before we were blanketed with about 9″ of snow (and the ensuing compact snow and ice on the roads). So, much of the day was spent watching tv, taking a nap, playing video games, and eating food.

Lots of people on social media, family and friends alike, issued wishes of cheer and congratulations on the day. That felt good.

Only two of the nine children (our six kids and three spouses/significant others) managed to communicate with me. MY daughter and the second oldest of the step-kids. That doesn’t feel nice.

They sure know how make me feel like crap…

“Up to here”

Posted on January 14, 2021 by backuphill

I am sure you probably heard it growing up. I know I did more than a few times.

Well, I can’t tell you how many times I have uttered those words directly at my children, but I do know that I have said it mentally or muttered it under my breath thousands of times. Maybe tens of thousands..

I have had it up to here… *motions with hand at a level*
– said by every parent in the world at one time or another

Up to my armpits. Up to my neck. Up to my chin. Up to my nose. Up to my eyeballs. Up to my ears. Up to the top of as high as my arm will reach…up to here!

Again, there is a certain child and his family that I have had it up to here with…the never ending, always needs help, continuously makes bad choices, can’t catch a break, needy child. Up to HERE!

Actually, when I think about it, there are a lot of things I have had it UP TO HERE with:

Politics.

Liberals.

Lockdowns.

Family.

Covid-19.

Media.

Social Media.

Can you feel me? There are a lot of things to have had it up to here with…

I am just gonna sit here, in the dark, and ignore everyone and everything for 15 minutes. Maybe more. Until my “up to here” level has gone down.

What’s got you having it “up to here” these days? Hit the Comment button and dish!

Bailing, again

Posted on December 15, 2020 by backuphill

Why do I feel like we are constantly responsible for bailing out the adult children? Good grief, it is never ending.

“Can we borrow the car?”

“Can we live with you?”

“Can you watch the kids?”

“Can we use the house?”

“We need help…”

“The kids need…”

“Can you help us find…”

“Can we do laundry at your house?”

“Can you keep this in your big freezer?”

“The car broke down again…”

“Will you co-sign with us?”

Choices. It all has to do with choices and theirs are continually poor. Much of it stemming from the fact that they rarely think about the future. Vision for the future and putting in a little thought about consequences and what might happen if…thus, the lack of forethought constantly has them stamping out fires of their own creation and never allowing them to head in the right direction.

Once again, we are being asked about borrowing a vehicle and providing a place for them to hang out while they have appointments in town. They are the ones that chose to move over an hour out of town (“We like living in the country”). They are the ones that made poor financial choices and only have one running vehicle, which also happens to be providing the only manner of income at the moment. They are the ones that have chosen to have four children on little to no income (supposedly the last two were unplanned, but we know better…).

These adult step-children are killing me. They know they are the source of friction in my home and yet they do nothing to help. It is a constant stream of needs, wants, and demands (or at least putting us in a position where it feels like a demand, leaving us with little choice).

The problem is, when I try to mitigate the help and limit the aid, it comes back to bite me in the ass. The wrath and second guessing in the household becomes palpable. Winter inside, and outside the house.

Yeah, good times…

Here we go again…

Forced

Posted on December 3, 2020 by backuphill

I don’t like to be forced to do things. I don’t like being forced not to do things. I am complicated that way. Or maybe I am not really. I don’t know.

Lately, I find myself getting suggestions by someone that would essentially force me to interact with people I wouldn’t normally interact with, let alone go out my way to interact with them.

Just last night I mentioned that I was thinking about doing something and if I had to go alone that was ok, as it would just be a quick overnight trip later this month to see my grandparents and deliver/pickup gift exchange packages. Simple and quick.

I was met with, “That’s a good idea. If I can’t go, why don’t you see if ***** would like to go with you. It would be good for both of you and give you two a chance to hang out.”

What part of when I mentioned this idea did I indicate that I wanted to take extra people with me? When did I indicate that I wanted to have someone along that would neither want to go, nor would they appreciate the time? The suggestion was kind of pointless seeing as how the person being suggested hasn’t made any effort to see me (us) and almost never wanted to hang out with me (or contact me directly) in the past, let alone go see my grandparents with whom there has never been a relationship.

Rather strange and outta the blue suggestion.

Stop trying to force me to interact with people. I don’t like people in general, so I don’t want random suggestions of whom I should hang out with.

Thee and Thou

Posted on September 8, 2020 by backuphill

Round and round we go.

What’s good for thee, isn’t good for thou.

There’s an exception to everything.

Blended families are tough, to say the least. I have made this no secret here on the blog. As I have stated previously, lots of material comes from my experiences in this arena.

And here we are again. Thee and thou.

In the past, I have protested how parenting by one parent of their children should be different because they are adults and have their own families. Yet, it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference as it still is done (much to the satisfaction of the child). I am always told that if the situation were reversed and it were my own child that I would think and act differently.

“Just wait till it’s your daughter…”

And she may have been right.

The situations don’t play out exactly the same and a key difference is that my daughter is not yet an adult. She is getting closer with each passing day, but in the eyes of the law I still have some responsibility there. But, the way you parent adult children and minor children should be completely different – as in, minors should receive more assistance than adult children who can make their own decisions, have their own families, and their own jobs/income.

Now, when a situation arises that is similar to a situation of the past with the other children, and I handle it similarly to how the adult children were handled, I am greeted with scorn. The protests about how I didn’t like it when the adult children were parented that way so why am I doing it that way now with my own daughter come raining down. As if the fact that she is a minor and they are adults are completely disregarded for the sake of a disagreement.

Nice.

So, round and round thee and thou go.

17+1

Posted on July 29, 2020 by backuphill

NOT MY FAMILY – Photo by fauxels on Pexels.com

I took the day off yesterday, from work and blogging.

Family is in town from out of town, so yesterday was when everyone could get together at the same time.

It was actually kind of a big deal, since most of the time people are uncooperative and typically chaos ensues as the planning and execution of said plans happens.

So, 17+1 all managed to make it to another part of the state and gather in a sort of “family reunion” type gathering. 17+1? Well, there were 17 people, plus one on the way.

Family? My wife and I, our combined 6 children, 2 of their spouses and a significant other, and 6 grandchildren (plus the one on the way).

Picnic lunch, visiting shops and stores amid a pandemic and ridiculous restrictions, ice creams stops, and lots of driving (about 6 hours round trip). So, as you can imagine, there are always a bit of wrangling issues when you have people in your group from ages of 53 to 2. But, for the most part, it was a memorable time.

Granted, these are the people that a large portion of the topics here on the blog deal with, but yesterday they were all exempt. Genuine effort by all made for a day that was mostly pleasant.

So, today, while I don’t feel like Pissing and Moaning, I guess I’ll just be appreciative.

Grow up

Posted on July 27, 2020 by backuphill

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It never ceases to amaze me at how adult family members can be so immature, especially family members who are in their late 50’s.

A few details about my BNL. Single. Lives alone. Makes great money as a machinist in a local shop. Like to talk about himself, but that mostly includes his cats and his job (which he talks in technical jargon so no one can understand what he is talking about). Is a bit out there in ideology, but not extremist by any means. Likes rocks, gems, and nature photography.

Now, he always shows up at holiday celebrations. Rarely shows up for birthday celebrations, other than for his parents. Always comes to consume, but almost never contributes. Never participates in planning get-togethers and never shares in the expense, even though he will show up for them. When asked to bring something, he feigns not knowing what to bring, and if he is asked to bring something specifically it is never enough for size of the gathering.

Over the weekend, my FNL had his 80th birthday. His daughters (even one from out of town) planned the gathering and provided nearly everything for it. BNL showed up before the gathering and didn’t help with setup, tried to carry on conversations while we were setting up (as in, watched while we worked), didn’t offer to help, didn’t offer to help with expenses, nothing. But he made sure he was next to first in line for food. The only thing he actually did, or offered for the whole thing….he picked up some folding chairs at the end. Otherwise, he was busy hiding in the house and doing other things.

Time for someone to grow up and not think of themselves? Yeah, pretty much. Why do none of his siblings say anything to him about it? I have no clue.

Maybe there is history I don’t know about, but I am pretty sure he would have already told me if I stood there to listen to him long enough.

Irritating, you know?