Destructive behavior

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Have you ever had a sudden urge or desire to engage in destructive behavior, either physically or mentally?

I am not sure what triggers the feelings (and I am totally in control, mostly), but two destructive behaviors I am currently contemplating:

  • Eat everything in sight.
  • Fight, either physically or verbally, everyone.

I know there are lots of other destructive behaviors out there and these are relatively minor compared to some, obviously, but today this is what I am dealing with.

Anyway, maybe it’s the fact that my “don’t give a damn” meter has reached beyond critical. Maybe it’s that I am tired, super super busy, and only marginally motivated.

I don’t know.

How do other people deal with this?

I know this is a passing feeling. It won’t last. But today, the feeling is strong. very strong.

What do you do?

Tired menu

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Anyone want to be a cook with dinner responsibilities four nights a week? Are you someone that has tasty ideas, likes to cook a variety of foods, and can work within a budget?

Specifically, can you be my cook? And I say four nights a week because I am not opposed to eating leftovers the other three nights, especially if the original meal was tasty!

I am tired of coming up with ideas. I am tired of cooking up those ideas.

What I really want is restaurant quality food at home and I want someone else to produce it. I want variety. I want classics and I want something new. I want simple foods and I want fancy foods. I’m not asking for much, really.

If I could order out four nights a week, then I would. That way there is no prep, no dishes, little clean-up afterwards. I could enjoy other aspects of life while still eating great meals.

Anyone else tired of cooking and all that it entails? Anyone up for the job?

**OK, there really is no job. If I can hire someone to cook for me, I could likely also afford to eat out anyway. It’s just nice to dream…isn’t it?**

Cravings

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How do they work? Why do they work? Eh, forget that. I don’t really care. Well, mostly not really.

So, normally my cravings are the pretty standard fare – pizza, ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, popcorn, hamburgers, chips, etc. All stuff that is great when it is in your mouth, but not so much for your health. Ya’ll feel me here, right?

Anyway, I was at Costco the other day and I walked into the cooler area where they keep the veggies and fruits. It is a place that gets visited on a typical grocery trip to Costco so it wasn’t any new or special. I am familiar with the layout and what is typically in there.

But, I’ll tell ya what, for some reason the GIANT box of big green grapes caught my attention and I had to buy them. I had this sudden craving for grapes. The unusual part is that I don’t normally buy them. The box is too big. They don’t all get eaten before they go bad. I am not really even that especially fond of grapes. Sure they’re good, but they aren’t anything I would go out of the way for, say like I would for pizza or a burger.

I shelled out the money and brought them home.

I have eaten almost the entire box myself, over the course of just under a week. Say what???? I have never done that before! Why the sudden craving for grapes?

Anyone have some insight on cravings? What do you crave, and do you know why?

Pantry

silver display shelf on brown sectional table

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Working from home has created some issues…

The pantry is taunting me.

Like, seriously, it yells my name EVERY DAY and it wants me to constantly visit with it. Like I mean, it wants to snuggle and stuff. It’s weird, I know, but I can’t explain it any other way.

I try not to listen. I turn the music up. I have meetings. I blindfold myself.

But it is persistent.

It has scrumptious treats. They are salty. They are crunchy. They are sweet. They are spicy…

Resistance is nearly futile. I can’t escape it.

It calls me when I am working. It calls me when I am sleeping. It calls me when I am on the couch. It calls me even when I am out in the yard (it just yells louder…)

I have tried disconnecting my number but it still manages a way to get in touch.

It’s irritating really. But, oh so enticing too…

Wait, what?

Did you hear that? It’s calling again. I’ll go see what it wants now. If I am not back in 10 minutes, leave me alone. We’re snuggling again.

Precious

 

This “stay at home” order is killing me. Well, actually it may end up killing others in the house…

KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY SNACKS!

Little people. Adults. Adults in charge of little people. I don’t care. These are mine and I don’t want you touching them or eating them or moving them or anything else.

I know what you are thinking. “He still has snacks left?”

That’s a fair question.

I had a personal stash that I didn’t tell anyone about. But someone caught me hunkered down in a corner eating a tasty morsel and the curiosity began…

Thus, my own little pot-o-gold for times of telecommuting in the garage has been sniffed out. Honestly, the stash was getting a little thin after two weeks of telecommuting and I am not sure how I could sneak more into the house…leaving the house is suspicious, for obvious reasons, and if I return and skulk back into the garage carrying grocery bags it is going to be even more suspicious.

This whole event has caused me to view the eating habits of a few people in the house and can say that I don’t like it. The munching, the crunching, the gobbling, the face stuffing, the pie-hole gorging are starting to irritate me. Do I really need to feed all these people? Who can I vote off the island? Who can I sacrifice and live without?

Anyone else feel like Gollum from “The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings” when it comes to their snacks?

FREEZE!

cookies on square white ceramic plate

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Me: Freeze, Dirt Bag!

Daughter: Dad!

Me: I said freeze! Now, put down my chocolate chip cookie and step away.

Daughter: Dad, it’s just a cookie. Lighten up.

Me: No, it is NOT just a cookie. It is MY cookie and you are not authorized to touch it, let alone eat it.

Daughter: Dad…

Me: You are seriously jeopardizing my ability to love you right now. Drop it!

Daughter: I swear your old age is making you crazy…

Anyone else like chocolate chip cookies as much as me?

Anyone else not like sharing them?

Anyone else feel like your job as a dad is to eat all the chocolate chip cookies before you have to share with the kids? Yeah, me too.

I swear if I have to share another cookie with my kids…

A case of the drops

close up photography of people picking nachos chips

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No, that isn’t some sort of new disease and it isn’t some kind of euphemism for diarrhea. I am not even referring to what football receivers get once in a while in their careers. In this case it refers to a really annoying occurrence of dining out.

I am sure you have experienced it at one time or another, but it’s what I like to call the times when food just can’t seem to make it to my mouth (or I miss it all together) and it ends up down the front of me…on my shirt, my jacket, my tie, my pants…”the drops.”

I can hear you yelling now, “Oh, man! I hate that!”

Last night I visited a local establishment just because I could and because I wanted to. Maybe my motivations were bad and I ended up paying the angry food gods because the case of the drops started almost immediately.

Chips and salsa, meet shirt and pants.

Chips, meet shirt.

Sour cream, meet shirt.

Guacamole, meet shirt and pants.

I swear, it has never been that bad before. Maybe I just wasn’t leaning over my plate enough. Maybe I just got really weak chips for dipping. Maybe the gods are angry with me for wanting nachos. Who knows!?! All I know is that my food spent as much time on my fork or in my fingers as it did on my clothing.

Good grief. Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed in public. Do you suppose they deliver nachos? That way I can just eat naked in the shower and hose myself off when I am done (sorry for that picture).


Got any messy food stories? What’s the best (and by best, I mean worst) instance of the drops have you had?

Magical calories

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You know, math is hard. I really think very few people like it. I suspect many of my readers are probably in the same boat as I am when it comes to math. You’d just rather not do it. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. This, however, seems to be simple math and since I am no math prodigy I think I can handle it.

The label on this bottle of carbonated and flavored water is a mathematical mind-bender. Or, perhaps someone just doesn’t have any labeling sense. Or, maybe, they’re just magical calories!

There are three servings in the 36 oz. bottle (12 oz. per serving). According to the way I read this, if you drink one serving at a time, there are ZERO calories. However, if you drink the bottle all at once (or over time?) you will get a whopping 15 calories . Duly noted. Don’t consume the entire bottle. Ever. You will avoid all calories if you leave one ounce in the bottle.

But wait!! There is something funny going on here. It just doesn’t add up. If there are three servings for a total of 15 calories, how does the math break down to ZERO calories per serving? Wouldn’t that be 5 calories per serving?

Anyone else confused by this math?

Do I really want an answer? NO! How about we just apply those magical calories to pizza? I am thinking, ZERO calories per slice and only 80 calories if you eat the whole thing. That would be satisfying.


Have you ever run into a dieting math problem that didn’t make sense?

Can’t hear you

fried meat beside sliced lemon and white mustard

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We are an entertainment society, as in we all want to be entertained all the time. Look at our culture. We carry around computers in our hands that are used for some communication, but mostly for entertainment.

It comes in various forms, but usually there is some kind of entertainment even when you go out to eat. TVs on the wall. Touch pads of some sort on the table. Music playing overhead. A live band. You are likely to find at least one of these forms of entertainment in a dining establishment near you.

The other day I was out to eat at a place and the music was so loud (not a band, just overhead) that I couldn’t talk with the person across the table from me. It felt like we had to shout at each other just to tell the other person we couldn’t hear what they were saying because of the music.

We probably should have left, but instead endured the abuse of our ears while we ate.

Maybe I am just getting old, though I don’t think it is that. I like loud music, but there is a time and place for it. When it comes to being social with others I don’t think music blaring is an appropriate time to give the speakers a workout. Most people like to visit while they eat.

So, is this becoming common practice these days? I noticed a while back while out with my family as well, though it wasn’t as bad as the last place it was still rather annoying.


Friends, what do you know about this? Are you similarly annoyed by the rising volume of music in restaurants?

Isn’t worth the trouble

orange lemon fruit vitamins

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Some things in life just aren’t worth it. Surprisingly, there are actually some foods that just aren’t worth it, which is weird to say because I am kind of a professional eater – I’ve been doing it since I was little.

One food that is a real pain in the rear to eat is an orange. I’ve known this for a long time but I thought I would give it another try. I mean, they’re sweet and they’re juicy so that makes them really tempting. But, I tell you, as soon as I started peeling the dang thing I instantly regretted starting. Now it’s leaking juice all over my hands and I’m getting stick and my hands are wet and the peel is just not coming off easily…Oh, I prevailed and ate the dang thing, but I had to have a co-worker lock my computer so I could go wash up after seemingly taking a bath in orange juice. Then it hit me – the peel on an orange just doesn’t make trying to enjoy the fruit enjoyable. So, CONFIRMED, an orange isn’t worth the trouble.

Another food that isn’t worth the trouble? Crab. Good grief you need a damn tool to even access the minuscule amount of meat housed inside that ocean floor scrounger. I don’t even really like crab (it eats garbage off the ocean floor) so the work required for minimal reward just isn’t worth the trouble. I think you can probably put lobster and shrimp in the same category. CONFIRMED.

If you have to work to eat it, it just isn’t worth it. Plain and simple.

What do you think? Are there any other foods that just aren’t worth the trouble because they require too much work before you get to enjoy it?