FREEZE!

cookies on square white ceramic plate

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Me: Freeze, Dirt Bag!

Daughter: Dad!

Me: I said freeze! Now, put down my chocolate chip cookie and step away.

Daughter: Dad, it’s just a cookie. Lighten up.

Me: No, it is NOT just a cookie. It is MY cookie and you are not authorized to touch it, let alone eat it.

Daughter: Dad…

Me: You are seriously jeopardizing my ability to love you right now. Drop it!

Daughter: I swear your old age is making you crazy…

Anyone else like chocolate chip cookies as much as me?

Anyone else not like sharing them?

Anyone else feel like your job as a dad is to eat all the chocolate chip cookies before you have to share with the kids? Yeah, me too.

I swear if I have to share another cookie with my kids…

A case of the drops

close up photography of people picking nachos chips

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No, that isn’t some sort of new disease and it isn’t some kind of euphemism for diarrhea. I am not even referring to what football receivers get once in a while in their careers. In this case it refers to a really annoying occurrence of dining out.

I am sure you have experienced it at one time or another, but it’s what I like to call the times when food just can’t seem to make it to my mouth (or I miss it all together) and it ends up down the front of me…on my shirt, my jacket, my tie, my pants…”the drops.”

I can hear you yelling now, “Oh, man! I hate that!”

Last night I visited a local establishment just because I could and because I wanted to. Maybe my motivations were bad and I ended up paying the angry food gods because the case of the drops started almost immediately.

Chips and salsa, meet shirt and pants.

Chips, meet shirt.

Sour cream, meet shirt.

Guacamole, meet shirt and pants.

I swear, it has never been that bad before. Maybe I just wasn’t leaning over my plate enough. Maybe I just got really weak chips for dipping. Maybe the gods are angry with me for wanting nachos. Who knows!?! All I know is that my food spent as much time on my fork or in my fingers as it did on my clothing.

Good grief. Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed in public. Do you suppose they deliver nachos? That way I can just eat naked in the shower and hose myself off when I am done (sorry for that picture).


Got any messy food stories? What’s the best (and by best, I mean worst) instance of the drops have you had?

Magical calories

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You know, math is hard. I really think very few people like it. I suspect many of my readers are probably in the same boat as I am when it comes to math. You’d just rather not do it. Sometimes, I just don’t get it. This, however, seems to be simple math and since I am no math prodigy I think I can handle it.

The label on this bottle of carbonated and flavored water is a mathematical mind-bender. Or, perhaps someone just doesn’t have any labeling sense. Or, maybe, they’re just magical calories!

There are three servings in the 36 oz. bottle (12 oz. per serving). According to the way I read this, if you drink one serving at a time, there are ZERO calories. However, if you drink the bottle all at once (or over time?) you will get a whopping 15 calories . Duly noted. Don’t consume the entire bottle. Ever. You will avoid all calories if you leave one ounce in the bottle.

But wait!! There is something funny going on here. It just doesn’t add up. If there are three servings for a total of 15 calories, how does the math break down to ZERO calories per serving? Wouldn’t that be 5 calories per serving?

Anyone else confused by this math?

Do I really want an answer? NO! How about we just apply those magical calories to pizza? I am thinking, ZERO calories per slice and only 80 calories if you eat the whole thing. That would be satisfying.


Have you ever run into a dieting math problem that didn’t make sense?

Can’t hear you

fried meat beside sliced lemon and white mustard

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We are an entertainment society, as in we all want to be entertained all the time. Look at our culture. We carry around computers in our hands that are used for some communication, but mostly for entertainment.

It comes in various forms, but usually there is some kind of entertainment even when you go out to eat. TVs on the wall. Touch pads of some sort on the table. Music playing overhead. A live band. You are likely to find at least one of these forms of entertainment in a dining establishment near you.

The other day I was out to eat at a place and the music was so loud (not a band, just overhead) that I couldn’t talk with the person across the table from me. It felt like we had to shout at each other just to tell the other person we couldn’t hear what they were saying because of the music.

We probably should have left, but instead endured the abuse of our ears while we ate.

Maybe I am just getting old, though I don’t think it is that. I like loud music, but there is a time and place for it. When it comes to being social with others I don’t think music blaring is an appropriate time to give the speakers a workout. Most people like to visit while they eat.

So, is this becoming common practice these days? I noticed a while back while out with my family as well, though it wasn’t as bad as the last place it was still rather annoying.


Friends, what do you know about this? Are you similarly annoyed by the rising volume of music in restaurants?

Isn’t worth the trouble

orange lemon fruit vitamins

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Some things in life just aren’t worth it. Surprisingly, there are actually some foods that just aren’t worth it, which is weird to say because I am kind of a professional eater – I’ve been doing it since I was little.

One food that is a real pain in the rear to eat is an orange. I’ve known this for a long time but I thought I would give it another try. I mean, they’re sweet and they’re juicy so that makes them really tempting. But, I tell you, as soon as I started peeling the dang thing I instantly regretted starting. Now it’s leaking juice all over my hands and I’m getting stick and my hands are wet and the peel is just not coming off easily…Oh, I prevailed and ate the dang thing, but I had to have a co-worker lock my computer so I could go wash up after seemingly taking a bath in orange juice. Then it hit me – the peel on an orange just doesn’t make trying to enjoy the fruit enjoyable. So, CONFIRMED, an orange isn’t worth the trouble.

Another food that isn’t worth the trouble? Crab. Good grief you need a damn tool to even access the minuscule amount of meat housed inside that ocean floor scrounger. I don’t even really like crab (it eats garbage off the ocean floor) so the work required for minimal reward just isn’t worth the trouble. I think you can probably put lobster and shrimp in the same category. CONFIRMED.

If you have to work to eat it, it just isn’t worth it. Plain and simple.

What do you think? Are there any other foods that just aren’t worth the trouble because they require too much work before you get to enjoy it?

 

Keep your paws off

woman opening refrigerator

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There are certain things in life that just shouldn’t be. And, to be fair, there are probably things in life that just should be. As humans, we like things to be a certain way – our way.

I am right and you are wrong. Plain and simple.

I just want to point out a place where I just want it to be a certain way. If I am honest, it is that I just don’t like sharing certain things. It’s mine and I want it to stay that way! To what am I referring?

Restaurant leftovers.

Petty? Yes. Piss me off? Definitely.

Keep your paws off my leftovers. I ordered it and I brought it home, for me to eat, not you! Just because it is in the fridge doesn’t mean it is fair game to anyone that opens the door. Got it?

Unless I have given explicit permission, it is not yours to eat. Period. So, stay away!

How do you feel about your leftovers? Have you ever experienced this outrage, at home? At the office? Shared apartment with roommates? What’s your worst experience with this?

Guess we’ll starve

abstract art cooking cutlery

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Ok, I know this is a question for the ages and it is as much a mystery as finding a sasquatch…

Why, when you are with a group of people or family, is it so dang hard to decide on a place to go to eat? Why does it have to be an exercise in patience and tolerance, with a side of not murdering someone?

I mean, really? Is it that tough to decide? Everyone put an idea on the table. Is there a common thread to the ideas? Similar location? Wide variety of food options at your idea? Could everyone find something on the menu to satisfy their taste?

Sheesh, people.

My family is the worst. I honestly think it would be better to starve than try to make everyone remotely happy.

“Fine. Stay home and starve. I’m out the door and I’ll eat by myself.”