relationships | Piss and Moan

Internal combustion

Posted on March 7, 2022 by backuphill

There are a lot of things going on right now in the world and I suppose this little title could apply to the the various technologies that use fuel and internal combustion to run them. Damn, gas is getting expensive! This post is about a totally different subject, but what reason in hell were we buying Russian oil for when we could completely rely on our own source of oil but refuse to tap into it?

Anyway…

The internal combustion I am referring to is actually inside of me.

Someone said the other day said that they thought something was going on inside of me that maybe I hadn’t recognized or identified yet. They had noticed that my usual level of grumpiness had increased to a level I might not be aware of but that others were noticing. It was mentioned that perhaps it was my newfound age of 50, or maybe it was something at work, or maybe it was…nothing else was pointed out.

I said that I didn’t think that I was all that grumpy, at least not that I was aware of. It was news to me if people thought I was grumpier than normal.

As I thought about it a bit more through the day, I thought that maybe there was something going on. I don’t know if I have really put a finger on it yet. As I am thinking of where I am in life at the moment and current circumstances, I can see (or feel) that I am unsettled. I am finding myself frustrated with everything that has to do with my current situation. Daily life has become a chore and finding joy in places that one would think it could be found just isn’t providing it. Instead, those places are kinda killing the joy.

As such, there may be a little internal combustion going on as I am trying to keep a lid on the unhappiness, the joylessness, the irritability, the frustration, the distaste for my current state. It’s not that I want to tear everything down, torch it to the ground, or start completely over. It’s just when I look around me, I don’t know how I got here and I didn’t envision myself here, and I don’t want to really stay here. Does that make sense?

Call it a mid-life crisis? Nah, I don’t think so. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I don’t think it is.

The internal combustion inside of me is keeping me moving (hopefully in a positive direction) but the fire in me sometimes gets rather dim when I am tired of being the rather responsible one. It gets tiring being the one who carries everything on his shoulders and keeps the plates spinning and keeps the wagon train headed in the correct direction. The one who hold it all together, all the time, every time.

Maybe I am just burned out on life right now.

My engine isn’t running at it’s prime, that’s for sure.

Perhaps I am just one cycle from failure, explosion, or implosion.

Not forgotten

Posted on June 14, 2021 by backuphill

Yes, I haven’t been on here as of late. It’s been hard.

Not because I don’t want to. It’s because it has been so freaking busy at work (like unusually busy) that it just makes it hard to find time to get anything written.

The end of the school year is upon us and schools are trying to figure out how to navigate all the new rules, special situations, and data reporting needs, etc. so they can close out their educational year. The phones are ringing off the hook. The emails are none stop.

Add on top of that a handful of districts preparing for data migration to a newer version of the software and its hard to find time to breathe.

Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I haven’t forgotten about you. Ya’ll are still on my mind, just not the only thing on it…

Hopefully things will slow down a little in a while and I get get back to my usual grumpiness.

Until then, keep an eye out for an occasional grumble, whine, complaint, or just a plain pissy point about common sense (or lack thereof).

Random questions

Posted on March 8, 2021 by backuphill

Ever get a totally random question during a conversation with someone that has nothing to do with what you were talking about?

The kind of question that makes you think, “What do they know and how do they know it?”

After all, the question is based on information they aren’t supposed to have or know about. But, based on the randomness of the question, it makes you think they know something they aren’t supposed to and not letting on what they know.

And then, to top it off, they just drop the subject altogether and then move on, like they were just trying to gauge your reaction. Kinda like they are pushing your buttons just to see what happens.

Ever happen to you?

Forced

Posted on December 3, 2020 by backuphill

I don’t like to be forced to do things. I don’t like being forced not to do things. I am complicated that way. Or maybe I am not really. I don’t know.

Lately, I find myself getting suggestions by someone that would essentially force me to interact with people I wouldn’t normally interact with, let alone go out my way to interact with them.

Just last night I mentioned that I was thinking about doing something and if I had to go alone that was ok, as it would just be a quick overnight trip later this month to see my grandparents and deliver/pickup gift exchange packages. Simple and quick.

I was met with, “That’s a good idea. If I can’t go, why don’t you see if ***** would like to go with you. It would be good for both of you and give you two a chance to hang out.”

What part of when I mentioned this idea did I indicate that I wanted to take extra people with me? When did I indicate that I wanted to have someone along that would neither want to go, nor would they appreciate the time? The suggestion was kind of pointless seeing as how the person being suggested hasn’t made any effort to see me (us) and almost never wanted to hang out with me (or contact me directly) in the past, let alone go see my grandparents with whom there has never been a relationship.

Rather strange and outta the blue suggestion.

Stop trying to force me to interact with people. I don’t like people in general, so I don’t want random suggestions of whom I should hang out with.

Fading

Posted on October 6, 2020 by backuphill

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Seasons change in life, just like the seasons of the year. There are times of newness and excitement (Spring), times of security and comfort (Summer), times of change and passing (Fall), and then times of darkness and cold (Winter). Life has it’s ups and downs and these times fluctuate.

I think I am headed into a literal and figurative “fall season” in life. The weather is changing quickly and I am seeing changes in life too. It’s time to let some things and people go, to let them remain as they were in the past. We can fight the change in seasons, but there really is no stopping it. We can look back fondly on what was, but in the end change will still come.

Things are fading and I am content in that. I know there is a season of darkness and cold not yet come, but I’ll deal with that when it’s here. For now, the cool mornings and falling leaves of life are in this chapter.

Fading.

Saying “Hello” to change and passing on to another time.

Over

Posted on July 10, 2020 by backuphill

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m over it.

I’m over that.

I’m over this.

I’m over the other thing.

I’m over done.

I’m over did.

I’m over do.

I’m over you.

I’m over me.

I’m over today.

I’m over tomorrow.

I’m over yesterday.

I’m over this day, week, month, year.

Want to?

Posted on June 26, 2020 by backuphill

Head in Hands

No, actually I don’t want to.

Adulting.

Being required to do things we don’t want to sucks.

No, I don’t want to wear a mask every fricking place I go.

No, I don’t want to follow stupid city and country rules about how to use my own property.

No, I don’t want to go your stupid trainings.

No, I don’t want to help the constantly needy and irresponsible kids, again.

No, I don’t want to mow the lawn.

No, I don’t want to pay stupid taxes so my money can be used by stupid people for stupid things.

No, I am not answering your stupid question(s).

No, I don’t want to pull weeds.

No, I am not going to do your job for you.

No, I don’t want to go to work.

No, I don’t want to share my food.

No, I don’t want to make you food.

No, I don’t want to exercise.

No, I don’t want to eat something other than pizza and burgers. And ice cream. And chocolate chip cookies. And popcorn.

No, I don’t want to see people. Or talk to them.

No, I don’t want to stop rolling my eyes every time you say something.

No, I don’t want to stop pointing out every time you do something stupid and then it bites you in the ass.

No, I don’t want to listen to your ideas.

No. I don’t want to.

No.

I just don’t want to.

Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone agree with anything listed above? Got a “No, don’t want to…” to add?

Tell me what you think or add another in the comments!

Takers

Posted on November 18, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Wallace Chuck on Pexels.com

I could be wrong, but I think there are really two types of people in this world.

I believe all people fall into two categories: givers and takers.

Which are you? Which do you surround yourself with? Or, maybe better put, which do you attract?

Sometimes it takes a hard evaluation of the people around you to realize where they fall, but also where you fall. I don’t believe that you can only be one, as I believe it is possible to be both.

Ultimately, I have heard (and maybe I believe this) that we should be givers first and always. That can be translated many different ways, but a quick run down will suffice – time, money, compassion, empathy, knowledge, listening, etc.

A taker, on the other hand, is someone who takes and takes and takes and quite literally could probably suck the very last breath out of you if you let them. They are the kind of people who are in constant need of everything – money, possessions, time, attentions, etc.

Honestly I try to be both. I don’t like taking, but I don’t have a problem doing so either. I don’t like giving, but it does have a limit. As such, I try to find a balance between the two and, if I am entirely honest, I like the people in my life to have a pretty good balance the the give and take as well.

Unfortunately, I must attract a lot of takers. There are several people who I can’t seem to let go of….or, can’t get rid of…they cling. They take. They need. They ALWAYS need. Thus, they always WANT and always TAKE.

It’s exhausting. Give. Give, and give some more. I am tired. I am spent.

I don’t want to do it anymore.

Getting real old

Posted on July 29, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This last weekend was for the ages.

I went to two birthday parties for old people. My grandmother turned 90 and my father-in-law turned 79.

This isn’t really a complaint about relatives getting old. I love them. But what it is a complaint about is that people are getting old, and that just means the inevitable is getting closer…and I don’t like it.

Not only is it getting closer for them (it’s hard to admit, because really it could be any time), but it is getting closer for me too. That’s the frightening thing.

Not that I am scare of death. I know where my Peace is.

But, I am scared because there seems like there just isn’t enough time and there are places I want to go and things I want to do and suddenly I feel selfish because I feel like I have to let those things go. I am scared because there are things that will happen in the future that I might not get to see, experience, enjoy with my daughter (and grand kids, when she has them in the future). Time just keeps on ticking and often I think I am no closer to some of my goals now, than I was 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago.

I look at the people I love in my life and they’re getting old and time with them is slipping by. There aren’t as many at family gatherings as there used to be. Oh, to have that time back, right? Just make the best of it now. Cherish it.

Getting old is getting really old. My body feels it. My mind knows it. My eyes see it.

How do I move forward and make it not feel this way?

Do you worry about getting old? Do you wonder what will happen in the next 10-20 years for you? What do you take solace in?

Communication busted

Posted on May 15, 2019 by backuphill

Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

Things around here are just not working.

Have you ever had a hard time talking with someone because you just don’t have anything to talk about? Or, had a hard time just because every time a conversation starts it ends up in a disagreement?

Not only do we live in a society that seems to have a hard time having a conversation, but often we find the same thing happening in our personal relationships too. There is just no way to break down the walls and just no way to carry on without conflict. So, everyone does their own thing and then nothing gets any better. Really, it just gets worse. The next time you try to engage someone the meltdown just comes that much more quickly.

What’s left is perpetual egg shell walking and no real relationships, just shallow surface existence.

The death of conversation is upon us.